into your tent I will silently creep.

more norris

2006-05-11T20:19:00.000-05:00

Here's video of Chuck Norris reading some of those the new NSA bombshell has hammered home, it's this:">Norrisisms on Best Damn Sports Show. I think it's interesting because neither Norris or anyone on the show really had anything to do with writing those facts. It's also fun to watch how poorly Norris reads them - like it's the first time he's seen any of them.

logos

2006-01-11T18:03:00.000-06:00

These ads make me so happy...and jealous. That's the effect true, genius creativity should have.

poseurs!

2006-01-11T05:09:00.000-06:00

I once skated with the Bad Skaters Club...but I was just too damned good...

drool

2006-01-09T20:48:00.000-06:00

Mmm...Camry Hybrid. Because Brian loves boring cars.

2006-01-05T09:06:00.000-06:00

I don't want to talk about it, either.

stupidish

2006-01-04T15:11:00.000-06:00

For this post, I got totally moded...sort of. I'm making a note of it because I always think it's interesting when a) people who aren't my family or friends comment here and b) those people have something negative to say.

best of tent

2006-01-04T12:09:00.000-06:00

Just for kicks, I thought I'd do a rundown of what I thought were the best posts on this rarely-visited site last year. I hope you enjoy them in an amount inversely proportional to the level of work I put in to them.

January 4: I pee myself.
February 9: BLOG.
February 20: brian + gummi = p.u.
February 23: Malkin knows emo.
March 16: The robotrip fantastic.
March 18: The living end.
March 30: I am not eating a blanket.
July 14: Late Shifty.
August 30: I get Katrina wrong.
September 3: I get Katrina right.
October 13: Channel surfing.
November 24: You got to pray.

Man, going through all my old posts, I realize: this site really isn't very good, and it definitely dropped in quality as the year progressed. But oh well. It goes on.

'sup!

2006-01-03T17:24:00.000-06:00

Alison has a story about seeing Narnia with some snot-nosed teens. I agree, I've just about had it with the behavior of the general public at the movies - you usually just want to say, "Why the fuck are you even here!?!" However, I'm going to copy one of the people she encountered, and every time I enter a movie theater - nay, any room at all - say the following:

What's up all my fellow Asians!

Should this response ever follow:

Then there was cheering.

I'm going to get a gun and shoot myself (as soon as I'm done high-fiving, anyway), because then my life will officially be complete.

tune-down

2006-01-02T21:12:00.000-06:00

I suppose I'm a little late with this, but I thought I'd post a list of my favorite music from 2005. A lot of it's just stuff I culled from the More Cowbell and Pitchfork lists and then downloaded from Yahoo! Music. So thanks to those people for the tips.

I don't know how exhaustive the list is - I haven't been keeping very good track of what I've heard. And they're in no particular order, though I think I'll start off with what I think was the best album of the year:

Shout Out Louds - Howl Howl Gaff Gaff: I got taken totally off guard by this one. Maybe I heard the assorted single on the Current or Drive 105, but I didn't realize just how good these Swedes are until I heard the whole record. "Shut Your Mouth" turned my head and "The Comeback" made me a believer.
Antony and the Johnsons - I Am a Bird Now: Simply gorgeous music. It will make you treasure life, and at the same time dream about your funeral, because this is what's going to be playing at it.
Beck - Guero: I don't think Beck'll ever top Midnite Vultures. But he could at least try. Oh well, even when he's not channeling Prince, instead doing that Odelay-style industrial folk-rap, the man can still make my panties drop. And "Girl" made it very hard for me to not dance in public.
Calvin Johnson - Before the Dream Faded: Like CJ's solo debut, Before the Dream Faded took some time to really grow on me - and there are still a couple songs I haven't completely taken to yet. But the majority of songs that I did get turned on to are enough. Aw heck, even if I hated it I'd put it here just as a testament to Johnson's genius.
Laura Veirs - Year of Meteors: She's got that indie rock girl voice I like so much. Plus she's a hell of a songstress and musician. So it's obvious that I'd love Year of Meteors. Now why does it make me so sad?
Low - The Great Destroyer: Duluth. "Cue the Strings". Got it?
Missy Elliott - The Cookbook: In my book, Missy can do no wrong. Except that video for "Lose Control". That sort of sucked. And I could really do without so much Ciara. But whatever. She still drives me wild.
Morrissey - Redondo Beach: I know, I know, it's a single, not an album in itself. But I still wanted to give it recognition because the reggae-ish "Redondo Beach" is one of Morrissey's all-time best songs, and definitely better than anything on You Are the Quarry.
Mountain Goats - The Sunset Tree: The perfect music to just curl up to. Play "Pale Green Things" at my funeral and then "This Year" when I come back to life.
R. Kelly - Trapped in the Closet: No question. R. Kelly, Man of the Year.
Sleater-Kinney - The Woods: Oh, Corin...
Troubled Hubble - Making Beds in a Burning House: Not a lot to say. I heard it, and it was good. Check out "To Be Alone and Alive".
Weird War - Illuminated by the Light: I bought this on a whim, as I've sort of stopped expecting a lot out of the Svenonius/Mae/Minoff post-Make Up triumvirate. But man...the funk is fresh!

There you have it!

in progress

2006-01-02T19:11:00.000-06:00

If this is the end for Arrested Development, they're definitely going out on a high note.

loving chuck norris isn't as much fun anymore

2006-01-02T11:50:00.000-06:00

There's an article in the Washington Post about the recent Chuck Norris revival. My attitude towards this has been growing with the increasing popularity, and now it's official: I'm pissed. Where were all these so-called fans when I was watching Walker alone (or occasionally with my pity-having sister) on Saturday nights? Or when I was extolling the genius of Sidekicks? Or when I wrote that Walker spec script? I'll tell you where they were. They were pointing. Pointing and laughing.

because in nyc everything is classy

2006-01-02T07:53:00.000-06:00

Funny Improv Everywhere mission installing a bathroom attendent at the Times Square McDonald's. My favorite part was this exchange with the manager:

Manager: You’re sure you got the right place?
Agent Simmons: Are there other McDonald’s in the city?
Manager: (shocked) Yeah.
Agent Simmons: Oh.

(via Kottke)

yeah, if worst means best

2006-01-02T07:25:00.000-06:00

Entertainment Weekly had this on their list of 2005's worst DVDs:

Bass Fishing: The Basics With Chuck Woolery (Razor & Tie, Unrated)
Ever wanted to check out Love Connection's Chuck Woolery fishing in a swimming pool? Well, then you're a glutton for punishment! This angling tutorial features Woolery offering tips on how to entertain your kids "because they have that short attention span that I talked about earlier." (Note: He did not talk about it earlier.) "When I get to heaven," Woolery gushes, "God's gonna say, 'Chuck, you wanna go fishin'?'"

Shit, I'll buy that in two and two! Because when I get to heaven, God's gonna say, "Oh my Me, House, did you see that fucking Chuck Woolery fishing DVD?!?!?"

i can see blue...he looks glorious!

2005-12-31T22:12:00.000-06:00

I hope they do him right in the Oscar montage.

i weep for the future

2005-12-29T12:37:00.000-06:00

One of my big pet peeves is the equation of someone being "smart" with their level of schooling, as I met some of the stupidest fucking people on earth when I was in college. But when pressed for examples, none come to mind. Here, now, is a story showing how college - a "good" college, no less - attendance means nothing when it comes to actual intelligence.

When college freshman Janet Lee packed her bags for a Christmas trip home two years ago, her luggage contained three condoms filled with flour — devices that she and some friends made as a joke.

Philadelphia International Airport screeners found the condoms, and their initial tests showed they contained drugs. The Bryn Mawr College student was arrested on drug trafficking charges and jailed. Three weeks later, she was released after a lab test backed her story, The Philadelphia Inquirer reported Thursday.

Lee filed a federal lawsuit last week against city police, seeking damages for pain and suffering, financial loss, and emotional distress. She was arrested on Dec. 21, 2003, and was held on $500,000 bail and faced up to 20 years in prison had she been convicted of the drug charges.

"I haven't let myself be angry about what happened, because it would tear me apart," Lee said. "I'm not sure I can bear to face it. I'm amazed at how naive I was."

Funny, so are we. Now, is naive the right word for what she did? Maybe, on some level. But to me it just seems flat-out retarded. Why not write "TNT" on some red candles, strap them together with electrical tape, and throw that in your suitcase as well?

I might be the person in this country most against the idea of tort reform, that we need protection from an overflow of frivolous lawsuits. Admittedly, I don't know all the details of this person's case, but if it's as it seems on its face, she really should not get compensation. Just like if you make a joke about having a bomb at an airport, and they arrest you, you can't sue them saying, "It was only a joke!" You just need to learn that airports aren't the best places to pull pranks.

bad movie night

2005-12-28T21:36:00.000-06:00

Dave White has a very funny rundown of the year's best worst. They've all been added to my Netflix qua. Here's the choicest line, on Crash:

I know the scene where Racism pushes Sandra Bullock down a flight of stairs deserves some kind of award.

Take that, Cheadle.

(via Defamer)

gag-gle

2005-12-27T21:51:00.000-06:00

If you ever feel like being pissed off, check out the official Google Blog. I don't know about you, but I can't fucking stand reading about how awesome it is to work there. I definitely don't have it too bad at my office, but still: how does it enrich the outside world to know that they're being fed free gourmet meals and dicking around with silly putty? Bah, I say!

UPDATE: Ok, I guess I'm no longer pissed. Linking to that post on the Google blog totally spiked my traffic. So thank you Google! I once again bow down before you!

sha-doobie-doo-bah bah-bah

2005-12-27T21:38:00.000-06:00

This is pretty funny.

(via Waxy)

two no six no twelve baker's dozen!

2005-12-27T16:08:00.000-06:00

Story of Lazy Sunday.

Yeah, I bought the shirt. So?

let the students ruin their education

2005-12-27T13:42:00.000-06:00

Oh, John...

"Let the student decide." With those well-chosen words John McCain summed up his view on the teaching of "intelligent design" along with evolution in public schools.

That's just super. Why don't we let kids craft all their own curriculum? Oh wait, the senator recognizes that that wouldn't be such a hot idea:

McCain probably wouldn't champion the same letting-students-decide approach for, say, homework or blowing off algebra. No matter. He came across as an entirely reasonable and rational father figure on MTV.

Clearly.

Sigh...is this guy seriously going to be our next president? He is so zero-zero.

(via Daily Kos)

in my dreams last night i was eaten by a dinosaur

2005-12-27T08:21:00.000-06:00

It was pretty freaky. Guess that's payback for my previous post.

so original

2005-12-25T21:50:00.000-06:00

Well, it had to happen: Dinosaurs is coming to DVD. Can you believe we as a country bought in to this show? The Honeymooners strained through the Cosby Show, enacted with giant dinosaur muppets? Truly a dark period for America.

I did not know, however, that Ms. Lucille Bluth did the voice of the mom-osaur.

"richard donner"

2005-12-24T10:00:00.000-06:00

WHERE IS CHUNK!?!?!

(via Digg)

little red lie

2005-12-24T08:43:00.000-06:00

My face is as red as the Communist tome a student was not visited by authorities for borrowing from a library. Yeah, that story I linked to a couple days ago turned out to be a hoax. Embarrassingly for me and the tons of other bloggers who bloviated about it, but thankfully for everybody else.

avoid dayton...moreso

2005-12-24T08:33:00.000-06:00

Good God!

The Ohio Patriot Act has made it to the Taft's desk, and with the stroke of a pen, it would most likely become the toughest terrorism bill in the country. The lengthy piece of legislation would let police arrest people in public places who will not give their names, address and birth dates, even if they are not doing anything wrong.

WEWS reported it would also pave the way for everyone entering critical transportation sites such as, train stations, airports and bus stations to show ID.

Shouldn't Ohio be concentrating on making itself a more appealing place to visit? This is a nightmare! It wouldn't make people safer, just intimidate them (and most likely piss off a large number of them.) But, it does seem to be the direction we're headed lately.

loogie

2005-12-22T13:51:00.000-06:00

It's becoming quite apparent that Minneapolis isn't too kind to pro-wrestling types. First Eddie Guerrero, well, dies, and now we've got one of his WCW cousins in the clink. What next, Ric Flair slipping on a Hennepin Ave sidewalk and breaking a hip?

show me...tron

2005-12-22T13:45:00.000-06:00

Chappelle on Inside the Actor's Studio. Now this one, I'll watch.

percolated

2005-12-22T12:14:00.000-06:00

Ooh! I think I'ma treat myself and go see Stereolab for my birthday!

strike deflection

2005-12-22T10:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday morning it popped into my head that it would be really brilliant if the whole transit strike in NY was just being used as a way to get commuters out of the way of an impending terrorist attack. So like this would be the part where Will Smith was running down the empty subway track to get the cell ringleader with everyone topside blissfully unaware of what was being thwarted.

Anyway, I was interested to see the results of a survey saying New Yorkers are with the strikers. Because all of the coverage I've seen (mainly in the first few minutes of GMA) seems heavily weighted towards people (especially Bloomer) badmouthing the TWU.

Atrios quoted an interesting letter written to Romanesko:

ow, thanks to David Cay Johnston's research, we know that the average Wall Street Journal reporter makes about as much the average (striking) New York City bus driver, roughly $55,000 a year.

No doubt the various benefit and pension plans differ greatly, but it is still a sobering statistic.

Huh? The past three days should have made it really clear to everyone why New York City transit it workers are paid so much: because the city seems to rely pretty damn heavily on them! Notice how lots of things get shut down or disrupted when they're not working? If the average WSJ reporter were to take some time off, few of us would probably notice; so see, it's actually that group who's getting overpaid. Sobering indeed.

Well, between the time I started writing this and now, the TWU has agreed to go back to work while negotiations continue. Hopefully it will all be resolved soon, and NY's billionaire mayor (walking the Brooklyn Bridge, PLEASE) can shut his fat mouth.

UPDATE: No matter how long the strike goes on, at least we can all rest assured that there are still good samaritans out there. Did I say good? I meant great.

tie him up! tie him down!

2005-12-22T10:21:00.000-06:00

Dick Morris is a brilliant man.

or crazy horse

2005-12-19T12:35:00.000-06:00

Watch out, everybody, Chris Matthews is off his Zyprexa:

...if this gamble comes through and it's not clear yet. If this gamble that he can create a democracy in the middle of the Arab world, and he does it; he belongs on Mt. Rushmore...

What's with the obsession with making idols out of our recent Republican presidents? In my mind Clinton was pretty decent, but I'd draw the line at naming a school gymnasium after him. I mean, jeez, JFK had to get shot to be put on our most unpopular coin. FDR won World War II and the Depression (yeah, arguably), and even he's not up on Rushmore.

Anyway, Crooks and Liars makes the good point:

Weren't the American people told that this was a six week operation and we would be showered with pastries and crispy creme donuts while the Iraq oil would pay for the war? If there is success in Iraq-it is "despite" the President, and his advisors not "because" of their wonderful leadership skills.

living in america - got to have a celebration!

2005-12-18T12:28:00.000-06:00

America just gets more and more ridiculous. Frighteningly ridiculous. By now we've all heard about this:

Months after the Sept. 11 attacks, President Bush secretly authorized the National Security Agency to eavesdrop on Americans and others inside the United States to search for evidence of terrorist activity without the court-approved warrants ordinarily required for domestic spying, according to government officials.

Sounds illegal. Super, duper illegal. Though Cunning Realist, wise tempered soul as he is, is holding back on too concrete judgements regarding legality.

The cherry on top, again as I'm sure we've all heard, is that Bush doesn't give a fuck what a criminal he is.

President Bush acknowledged on Saturday that he had ordered the National Security Agency to conduct an electronic eavesdropping program in the United States without obtaining court warrants, and said he will continue it because it is "a vital tool in our war against the terrorists."

Doesn't it just make you ill?

I wrote all that on Sunday, before Leader's grand press conference this morning. As with all radio I listen to during the day, I was in and out of actually hearing things, due to work and volume issues. But what I did catch still managed to infuriate me. Especially Bush's repeated use of the word "shameful" in reference to the leak of this matter to the media. He tied it to a leak that apparently caused the government to let bin Laden get away.*

What's really shameful, to me anyway, is that we even have to have this debate. The president saying he has the right to spy on Americans, without any check or balance? Are you kidding me? If there are citizens out there who'd like to subscribe to this service, that's cool - the prez can listen to their conversations to his heart's content. But until the website with the signup sheet goes live, I think we should all get an automatic opt-out. I'd really rather get blown up as a free American than live a long life under the shadow of some shifty-eyed police state.

AmericaBlog has a theory that all this goes back to the government been spying on journalists. For some reason I'm having trouble buying that, but I can't think of any other reason they'd bypass FISA - except unparalleled hubris, which of course is always a possibility with these folks.

This morning Bush also talked about the PATRIOT act (and Alito - WTF?) He derided senators who originally voted for the act, but are now speaking out against it. I certainly won't give anyone a pass for rushing the act through right after 9/11 - the country needed cooler heads than it got from those on Capitol Hill. But the fact remains that four years of reflection can have an effect on one's thinking. Furthermore, something on paper can look different in practice. I mean, isn't that why PATRIOT had an expiration built in in the first place?

Oh well. I guess we'll just add this to the list of things the administration should but won't be tried for. Boo hoo.

* I seem to remember hearing this story differently, but can't come up with any details and don't feel like doing research right now. Bush said the leaking of the kind of phone we knew bin Laden was using caused the terrorist to change his phone, and allow him to elude us. What struck me as odd was Bush's repeating of the phone detail. Not that it was leaked we were actually listening in on OBL, just that we knew what kind of phone he had. Did this really queer the deal for us? In relation to this scandal it's all BS anyway, as no names of people being spied on were released. For individual cases, this should have the same effect as revealing the existence of FISA.

waste of a blog post

2005-12-16T22:27:00.000-06:00

real geniuses

2005-12-16T13:48:00.000-06:00

What's it called, now?

Unidentified male: . . . which ones do you play?

Bush: All of these. I put it on shuffle. Dwight Yoakam. I've got the Shuffle, the, what is it called? The little.

Hume: Shuffle.

Bush: It looks like.

Hume: The Shuffle. That is the name of one of the models.

Bush: Yes, the Shuffle.

Hume: Called the Shuffle.

Bush: Lightweight, and crank it on, and you shuffle the Shuffle.

AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Actually, their exchange has an interesting rhythm to it. Might make for good call-and-response song lyrics. Somebody get working on this.

movements

2005-12-16T13:43:00.000-06:00

Peter Mehlman was a writer on Seinfeld, he did some pretty funny stuff. His name found a place in my mind after the short run of his occasionally very good "L.A. Seinfeld" sitcom, "It's Like, You Know." Anyway, he's got an amusing story about his time at the Washington Post, and how Woodward is something of a pinhead.

Cohen and I worked on the piece. He made me take out some stuff about how I didn't mind people smoking on the Metro. I'd grown up around that smell. Then Cohen gave the piece to an editor of Metro who liked it too (euphoria) and bumped up it to a higher editor who liked it even more (ecstasy) and bumped up it to Woodward who sent it back with a note saying: "This doesn't move me. Woodward."

I'd vacillated in my admiration between Woodward and Bernstein. Woodward was known as a crummy writer so I liked Bernstein. Then I saw Bernstein on multiple occasions hitting on girls I should have been hitting on at Kramer Books, so I swung back to Woodward.

Now I'd swung back to Bernstein. I told Cohen I wanted to leave a copy of All The President's Men in Woodward's box with a note saying "I'm not moved by this. Mehlman." Cohen laughed and said, "Don't do that. Do not do that. You said it to me, you got a laugh, now do not do that."

I wish he'd done it. Could have ended his career, but what a story...

an american werewolf on fox

2005-12-16T13:31:00.000-06:00

Must be a full moon, John Gibson's gone bye-bye:

Here is the correct interpretation of events in Iraq today, spoken in English but not run through the dull and dry translator software of official Washington, D.C. Ready? Here it is, the real meaning of election day in Iraq: We won. We won. We won. We won. A little too triumphalist for you? Feeling a little icky that we might say something that bold? You must be suffering from a touch of Euro today. Eat a Big Mac and get over it. We won. It's bold, but it's also true. Now, you don't like us saying, "We won, we won, we won," because you think we have not won? That's different.

Here's why I say we won. Saddam is on trial. The main point of the war was regime change on Saddam. Believe me, it is changed when he's on trial for his life, rather than running people through chippers and chopping off limbs to emphasize a political point. I like the side of Saddam as O.J. [Simpson], because this time I don't think the defendant walks. Then there is the little matter of all these purple fingers, Iraqis voting, Iraqis politicking, Iraqis forming parliamentary alliances. Can you spell democracy, Howard Dean?

Ow-ow-owooooooo!

I'm honestly not quite sure what he means here. First of all, I find it ridiculous when people (especially non-English people) use "us" or "we" as first-person pronouns. Unless Gibson is referring to himself and some imaginary friend or something, that's out of line. Second, if the reason we won is Saddam is on trial (and let's not even get into what a ridiculous notion that is), then what does the election have to do with anything? Why are we still there at all?

I know, I'm quibbling. But you know something? If I had a segment on a nationally broadcast "news" show called "My Words", I'd take the time to actually think through my words clearly, so they made, you know, sense. I mean, come on - O.J.?

infinite tragedy

2005-12-15T13:01:00.000-06:00

This has been getting play in a bunch of places, but just in case you hadn't heard about it, I'll add to the pile-on. There's just so much wrong with what happened here:

The guts of it is that Cory Maye is a black man on death row for shooting a white police officer dead. The officer was part of a paramilitary no-knock drug raid which broke down the door of Maye’s apartment at 11:30pm, when he and his young daughter were sleeping. The building was a duplex and the officers had a warrant for Jamie Smith, the person who lived in the other half...When the officers broke in, Maye woke up, took his gun and ran to his daughter’s room. When Officer Ron Jones entered the room, Maye shot him. Jones later died. There is disagreement about whether the officers announced they were the police as they broke in, and what the exact sequence of events was once they were in there...Mayes was tried, apparently was not well-represented, and was convicted of capital murder and sentenced to death.

I recommend reading the whole post, as well as the comments.

(via DailyKos)

hollywood is a "special" town

2005-12-15T12:20:00.000-06:00

C'mon guys, it's not even that great an idea:

Per Daily Variety, the Farrellys claim a 2004 South Park episode, in which Cartman pretends to be mentally disabled to compete in the Special Olympics, blatantly copied The Ringer, the brother's upcoming movie about, yes, a guy who feigns a mental disability to win the Special Olympics.

Parker and Stone's story line pissed off the Farrellys and Ringer writer Ricky Blitt so much that it sparked ill will between the two comedy teams.

Aren't both ideas essentially just Soul Man? Minus, of course, the comic genius of Arye Gross? But Matt Stone makes a pretty good point:

"I remember wanting to remake King Kong, 10 years ago. Does that mean I was ripped off?"

They're all funny guys. But considering that most all movies, tv shows, and albums are taken from the same five templates, this brouhaha seems somewhat ridiculous.

uhh...uggghhh!

2005-12-15T12:14:00.000-06:00

Remember the Weird Weekends With Louis Theroux where Louis wants to become a rapper, and he goes to visit Master P, and Master P makes a big deal about "keeping it real"? Is this keeping it real?

Master P will fill the dancing shoes of his teen rapper son, Romeo, who has dropped out of ABC's reality competition "Dancing With the Stars" because of a basketball injury.

[...]

He will be paired with professional dancer Ashly DelGrosso for the competition, the network announced Wednesday.

The second season of "Dancing With the Stars" premieres Jan. 5 (8 p.m. EST). Other contestants include Tatum O'Neal, Drew Lachey, Tia Carrere and NFL great Jerry Rice.

Nah, I kid P. He's doing what he wants (plus, if he ever sold out, it was had to be when he started that clothing line at Mervyn's - Joy you know it's true.) But it's funny to once again see a network stretching the definition of what exactly a star/celebrity is. Drew Lachey?

we are the people of kong

2005-12-15T09:12:00.000-06:00

Ok, you probably could have guessed that I didn't really get drunk drunk. I just thought wording it like that had..cadence? Still, lightweight that I am, three beers was enough to make me loud, wobbly, and, when ordering a couple bags of candy, completely incoherent to the concession girl.

I thought King Kong was decent. Everything was hit-or-miss: at times the performances were brilliant - then minutes later they were weak; the special effects could make you laugh out loud, and in another instant they'd be stunning. Overall, I think its great weakness, for me, was that I just didn't buy Naomi Watts's character falling in love with Kong. What, so he saved her from some dinosaurs? He enjoys vaudeville? I don't know, maybe nothing could convince me. She seems to have some kind of electra complex, but if that's what's behind her love, not enough is made of it.

And yes, it's long. Not that I thought there was a lot to be cut - nothing seemed unnecessary. But I felt those three hours. And I really resent when someone makes a long movie, but leaves out something I think would be really interesting; in this case, it was that there's no mention of how they got an unconscious Kong from the island to the boat offshore, and then from there back to New York. Did they just tow him? Can King Kong fit through the Panama Canal?

Oh, and the music sucks. Jackson shouldn't have replaced Howard Shore. AND I hope Andy Serkis spends every minute of every day thanking God, because if there's one man on this planet who didn't need to be hired for the job he got, it's him.

no posting, again

2005-12-14T23:05:00.000-06:00

Got drunk. Saw Kong. More later.

oh no, gocco!

2005-12-12T18:19:00.000-06:00

As you may or may not have heard, Print Gocco is in dire straits. The funnest and easiest printmaking system out there might not be around come next year. Luckily, some enterprising youngsters (I'm assuming; maybe they're really old...) have set up a site to try and save it. I'm doing my part by putting the icon down there in the icon area on the right side of the screen.

Of course, just in case I'm also going to go round to all the area Dick Blicks and do some stockpiling.

exciteder

2005-12-12T11:46:00.000-06:00

It approaches.

Q When is Trader Joe’s opening?

A The store in the Excelsior & Grand development in St. Louis Park is expected to open in late spring. Construction delays held up the opening.

I was hoping for March, but I'll settle for May.

party time

2005-12-10T22:01:00.000-06:00

Say what you will about Al Franken, but this album cover of his is pretty funny. (So is his new book, by the way.)

cadavers forever

2005-12-09T14:38:00.000-06:00

Yessssss. I foolishly missed this exhibit when it was in L.A.

Two dozen skinless human cadavers, stunningly posed in such typical activities as playing chess and swimming, are coming to the Science Museum of Minnesota in the spring.

St. Paul will be the sixth North American stop for the wildly popular show "Body Worlds: The Anatomical Exhibition of Real Human Bodies." The four-month run starts May 5 and includes nearly 200 actual human specimens, including a pregnant woman's womb and sets of healthy and diseased livers, lungs and spleens.

It's pricey (~$20), but worth it, I'm sure.

rock rolled

2005-12-09T14:33:00.000-06:00

Bummer. He's done the most competent job as Oscar M.C. I can ever remember.

The comedian Chris Rock, who gave the often staid Academy Awards a jolt this year by mocking movie stars and taking a camera crew into a black neighborhood to talk to moviegoers, will not be returning to host next year's Academy Awards, his spokesman said. [...]

The decision not to go with Mr. Rock leaves a small pool of other likely candidates, among them Billy Crystal, Steve Martin and Whoopi Goldberg, all former Oscar hosts. Whoever takes the job does so after a year in which the industry has been shaken by a declining box office, and when no one movie is expected to dominate the awards.

If it's Whoopi, I quit. Quit what? I don't know, but I quit. Steve Martin would be cool. Billy Crystal...aren't we done with him yet? I just got a strange chill telling me that somehow Martin Short will worm his way into being host. Let's all pray otherwise.

always disgusting. always.

2005-12-09T14:24:00.000-06:00

#1 business strikes again!

"I keep going over and over the incident in my mind," said Reginald Pitts, the 34-year-old human resources manager for the roof material manufacturer's Tampa distribution center. "I cannot come up with any possible reason why I was treated like this except that I am black." [...]

GAF has been spending about $50,000 a year on gift cards at the Wal-Mart Supercenter at 11110 Causeway Blvd. in Brandon. For years GAF sent a white, female administrator to buy them without incident. This time, when she was on vacation the day before Thanksgiving, Pitts did the job himself. He phoned in the order for 520 cards, got the accounting department to issue Wal-Mart a $13,600 check and then encountered a royal hassle trying to exchange it for gift cards at the store. [...]

For about two hours, store managers stalled on accepting the check for the already-printed gift cards, while Pitts stood waiting by the customer service desk. He had handed over his GAF business card, his driver's license and the toll-free numbers to GAF's bank. His accounting supervisor assured them over the phone that GAF, the nation's biggest roofing systems maker with revenues of $1.6-billion in 2004, was good for the check. [...]

Dressed in khaki pants and a blue button-down-collar dress shirt, Pitts finally got upset over the lengthy wait. He asked for the check back so he could go to another store. But store managers, who had kept huddled in a nearby office during most of his two-hour ordeal, refused to return it. The only explanation he got was that the store was having trouble "verifying" the check or who Pitts was.

Later, two Hillsborough County sheriff's deputies appeared. One grabbed Pitts by the arm. He objected to the rough handling and asked if he was being arrested.

"We need to talk with you about this forged check that you brought in here," Pitts recalled deputy Bryan Wells saying. Later Wells explained the reason for the firm arm grab: "Well, Wal-Mart called us and reported to us that you committed a felony, and that's the way we approach felons," Pitts recalled.

Yeah, Wal-Mart's apologized, but have they done anything to make sure something like this never happens again? No one from the company has even acknowledged the obvious reason for Pitt's detention. (Detention! At a Wal-Mart!) Well, we can at least take heart that there will be an always-effective "internal investigation."

greatest american hero

2005-12-09T14:17:00.000-06:00

That Washington Post article on the guy who got suspended for speaking Spanish has a choice quote from Arnold the Schwarz:

Some advocates of an English-only policy in U.S. schools say that it is particularly important for students from immigrant families to use the nation's dominant language.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (R) made that point this summer when he vetoed a bill authorizing various academic subjects to be tested in Spanish in the state's public schools. "As an immigrant," the Austrian-born governor said, "I know the importance of mastering English as quickly and as comprehensively as possible."

Do you? Then why do you talk like you have a mouth full of oatmeal, and little to no knowledge of sentence construction? (And yeah, maybe my enunciation and sentence construction aren't the best, but I don't going around saying how important they are to "master".)

suspension of disbelief

2005-12-09T13:44:00.000-06:00

Kids say and do the darndest things. And that, apparently, is reason enough to boot them out of school.

Rule #1: speak only the language those in power are least afraid of.

"It was, like, totally not in the classroom," the high school junior said, recalling the infraction. "We were in the, like, hall or whatever, on restroom break. This kid I know, he's like, 'Me prestas un dolar?' ['Will you lend me a dollar?'] Well, he asked in Spanish; it just seemed natural to answer that way. So I'm like, 'No problema.' "

But that conversation turned out to be a big problem for the staff at the Endeavor Alternative School, a small public high school in an ethnically mixed blue-collar neighborhood. A teacher who overheard the two boys sent Zach to the office, where Principal Jennifer Watts ordered him to call his father and leave the school.

Just think, if he had said 'problem' in the masculine form, it would have been recognized as good old fashioned American, and there would have been "no problemo". But no, he had to go and speak Spanish, which these days we all know is more dangerous than Osama Bin Laden riding atop a bird flu-infected goose. Of course, even that image isn't as terrifying as what must be the most serious threat to humanity in all its seven thousand-year history: same sex necking.

Jessica Bradley and her father, Ronald Bradley, claim that Covenant Christian Academy in Loganville, Ga., breached its contract with them by expelling the ninth-grader for carrying on an "inappropriate relationship" in violation of the school's standard of conduct on "sexual immorality."

[...]

The suit claims that Jessica was expelled after school officials questioned her and other students about her kissing a girl at a sleepover and her relationship with another female student "off-campus and in private."

Sadly, I can't see this family winning their suit; you throw a lot of your life away when you sign those private school "morality" contracts.

What does this kind of action by schools accomplish? The way I see it, it does nothing to actually improve the environment kids learn in; rather, it can only serve to a) diminish the impression people - individuals or groups - have of the school system, and/or b) bring about more lawsuits. Arrrgh.

but will they make out?

2005-12-08T22:14:00.000-06:00

Justine's doing it!

cokfee?

2005-12-07T13:31:00.000-06:00

Hmm...

the highway, i guess

2005-12-06T21:17:00.000-06:00

I was reading this article about Christina Applegate's impending divorce from Jonathan Schaech (I misread her name as Aguiliera) and came across a very interesting paragraph:

Meanwhile, Schaech, who starred alongside Applegate in the television adaptation of Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas in March, is next slated to appear in the action film Road House 2: Last Call. The project is currently in preproduction, per IMDb.com, and is expected to be released sometime next year.

HHWWWAAAAAA!?!?!?! Did everyone else already know about this? Is Rowdy Herrington involved? (I don't know the answer to the first question, but no, it doesn't look like Rowdy is part of it.)

I think that makes this the perfect year for a Patrick Swayze Christmas.

schiz-joe-phrenia

2005-12-06T18:26:00.000-06:00

So Lieberman says this:

Lieberman, whom the Bush administration has praised repeatedly for his war stance, defended the president. "It's time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge he'll be commander-in-chief for three more years," the senator said. "We undermine the president's credibility at our nation's peril."

Still campaigning for that S.o.B. - erm, S.o.D. position? Who knows. But everytime Joe makes an annoucement like this, or really says anything at all, you must remember January 2004: New Hampshire primary, stiff competition all around. To get attention, you really need to take bold actions. So what does the Senator do? (Again: it's January, well below freezing all day long.) He decides to hold an ice cream social.

I think that's all you ever need to know about him. This is a man expert in delivering insane fuck-you's.

(via AmericaBlog)

ice is back with a brand new invention

2005-12-06T08:47:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago I said that 20 degrees isn't that cold. You know what is that cold? -10. Yeah, January started in December. And while I love knowing that the thermometer can still go down that low in the midst of all the global melting, it does suck having to wear so, so many clothes:

socks, 2 pair
boots
underwear (like I said, it's really cold)
wool dress pants
belt
snow-type pants with cotton lining
t-shirt
wool turtleneck sweater
wool zip hoody
cotton hoody
wool peacoat
fleece mittens
scarf, wrapped from neck to nose
cotton beanie

And with all that on, standing at the bus stop I could describe myself as "reasonably comfortable".

the lost weekend

2005-12-04T19:42:00.000-06:00

Be sure to check out the Ana Lucia/Libby mug shots. Yipes.

unnecessary declaration

2005-12-04T17:27:00.000-06:00

I've decided I like Sparta way more than Mars Volta.

wahhh

2005-12-04T16:52:00.000-06:00

There's something strangely endearing about this site.

(via Popbitch)

an open letter to ucla

2005-12-03T18:29:00.000-06:00

Dear UCLA,

AH HA HA HA HAAAA HA HAA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!!

Best,
brian

I've never really bought much in to the whole USC-UCLA rivalry; it's always seemed somewhat ridiculous to me, especially considering how I worked on the Westwood campus for a while (part time) and have friends who went.

But man, some kind of seed must have been planted during my years between Adams and Jefferson, because I've been totally digging watching the Bruins get embarassed mightily. Now, on to...whatever the hell bowl game this qualifies the Trojans for.

P.S. The commercial advertising UCLA was really, really retarded. I mean, the USC one was no prize-winner, but UCLA's made me cringe.

the evil that executives do

2005-12-02T09:48:00.000-06:00

Nightmare.

A senior telecommunications executive said yesterday that Internet service providers should be allowed to strike deals to give certain Web sites or services priority in reaching computer users, a controversial system that would significantly change how the Internet operates.

William L. Smith, chief technology officer for Atlanta-based BellSouth Corp., told reporters and analysts that an Internet service provider such as his firm should be able, for example, to charge Yahoo Inc. for the opportunity to have its search site load faster than that of Google Inc.

Not that this on the verge of actually happening, but it still makes me think, "It was fun while it lasted."

fifth country endorses basic human right

2005-12-02T09:35:00.000-06:00

Hint: it ain't America. This is awesome:

South Africa's highest court ruled Thursday that same-sex marriages enjoyed the same legal status as those between men and women, effectively making the nation one of just five that have removed legal barriers to gay and lesbian unions.

[...]

The decision was essentially unanimous, with one of the court's 12 judges arguing that the ruling should take effect immediately rather than being stayed.

South Africa is on my short list of places in the world I'm dying to go (FYI, the others are the UK, Japan, Austrailia, and any of the snowy countries in Northern Europe.) This decision doesn't exactly increase my desire to go there - I'm not currently looking to marry a guy - but it's still quite admirable. Of course, it's also shameful whenever another country takes this kind of step before us. But kudos for them.

help the aged

2005-11-30T13:04:00.000-06:00

Man, sucks to be old.

v is for victoriffic!

2005-11-30T08:36:00.000-06:00

Three years in, and we finally have a strategy.

Or not? The story doesn't really talk about the report talking about how we're supposed to "win". That could very well be a problem with the story, but I wouldn't put it past the Admin to release a majestically-titled 35-page (ooh! lengthy!) report with little actual substance.

Oh well. I think we all know by now that the next year is going to be dedicated to convincing Americans that we've succeeded in Iraq rather than genuinely succeeding.

oops we bombed it again

2005-11-29T21:26:00.000-06:00

In my college creative writing classes (that's right people - I'm trained) we talked a fair amount about a concept I believe was called unpredictable inevitability: the idea that stories should lead up to something you don't really see coming, but that makes perfect sense in the grand scheme of things. A good example is how Alex ended up not writing for Hustler; but that's his incredible story, I won't recount it here.

I also think the whole Bush wanting to bomb al-Jazeera thing fits in with unpredictable inevitability. I mean, like, wow, I never foresaw a memo coming out saying Bush - the man himself - wanted to blow up a media outlet based in an allied land...but really, it didn't come from completely out of the blue. Especially considering we did still end up killing reporters of theirs.

We...we really have a lot to answer for as a country, don't we.

life continues

2005-11-29T20:00:00.000-06:00

Funny, I thought the whole point of The Apprentice was that it's a love letter to New York. Well, not anymore:

Real estate tycoon Donald Trump will be back on NBC next year for a sixth edition of his corporate-themed reality show "The Apprentice," but he's moving the boardroom competition from Manhattan to Hollywood.

The NBC network said on Tuesday it has renewed the show -- featuring 16 wannabe executives vying for a high-ranking job in Trump's business empire -- for a sixth cycle to be filmed for the first time in and around Los Angeles.

I command all my LA friends to work themselves into the tasks on this cycle. Do it!

a life wasted

2005-11-28T21:04:00.000-06:00

Taking a page from Alex's rundown of the schedule at the beginning of the TV season, I thought I'd give sort of a midseason report on what shows are controlling my life these days.

Proven

Lost - Arguably the best show on television. Derivative? Check. Manupulative? Bingo. But it all works, and I'm constantly blown away at how well they pull it together.
The Office - Fine, so I have a crush on Jenna Fischer. But my newfound appreciation of the show goes well beyond puppy love. Extremely funny, I think it stands well on its own...shit I'll say it: it's as good as the British version.
Curb Your Enthusiasm - There've been some weak spots - as there always are - but this season has stayed remarkably clever.

Rookies of the Year

My Name is Earl - Take away everything else and it would be awesome just for the guest stars: Beau Bridges, Giovanni Ribisi, the Del Taco guy...
Extras - I had some trouble getting into it, but its overall brilliance is undeniable.
Everybody Ha-ates Chris - They all said it was good, but I didn't realize how good until I actually saw it. It's the first really solid family sitcom I can remember airing in a long time.
Boondocks - Far outshining the comic strip, this is currently my favorite cartoon.
Colbert Report - Colby's still a little rusty, but definitely worth watching.

This Close to Giving Up On

Gilmore Girls - It all just feels like bullshit to me now.
Everwood - Meh. Not enough Treat.
The Apprentice - You're on thin ice, Trump.

R.I.P.

Arrested Development - Had to happen.
King of the Hill - I can't remember if this one or the next is the last season. Either way, it's sad...but it's time.
Saturday Night Live - I know, I know...wishing won't make it true.

the kid is in rare form tonight

2005-11-26T21:11:00.000-06:00

I'm watching the last half of Purple Rain. My favorite part of the movie has always been when Jerome throws that woman in the dumpster. But now I think it's the whole interpretive dance The Kid does to Darling Nikki. Examples: for the line "Sign your name on the dotted line" he makes the signing motion; and when he sings, "All I found was her phone number on the stairs," he actually climbs a staircase and picks up a piece of paper (I assume on which is written Nikki's phone number.)

the day minnesota got whiter

2005-11-25T12:54:00.000-06:00

Here I thought Minneapolis was turning into Seattle, that it would just rain through the winter. But no, I wake up today, and it's snowing - really snowing, not the dust we got a week or so ago. We must be up to at least an inch right now. I know I'd feel differently about it if I had to go to work today, sit in an icy puddle on the bus for an hour; but as it is, it's awesome. I just got back from a fun walk to the library. And yeah, there are downsides: you never know if a car will slide out of control and hit you; you do know that you will slip and fall the very instant everyone around is looking at you; and when you're getting ready, there's the constant tucking (pants into socks, sweatshirt into pants, mittens into jacket). Plus when you return home you smell vaguely of ass, because all those layers you've got on make you sweat and sweat.

But forget about all that. 18 degrees isn't really that cold, and walking around in the snow, tumbling down hills and listening to Pizzicato 5, is a blast like none other. And as good as it is on the outside it's even better in. I know with this day off I should be working on novels or short stories or comic books, but shit, I think I'm going to just eat lunch and watch Law and Order and start the new Al Franken book.

I need to buy a sled.

"cliff's wet adventure"

2005-11-24T22:32:00.000-06:00

Heavenly father,
Thank you for gathering all of us here to celebrate the many blessings you've given us.
And we want to thank you for the new additions to our family who are with us today: Olivia, Martin and Paula.
And dear lord, while we partake of this wonderful meal which has been so lovingly prepared for us, let us remember those in this world who do not have a place to sleep, nor enough food to eat. And those of us who have been out in the rain all day.
And we ask in your name that you continue to bless us with the good health, and allow us to gather again next year.
Amen.

propa

2005-11-24T08:05:00.000-06:00

I think I'd show this to my kids for the sole purpose of warping them. That's probably why I wouldn't make a very good parent (or at least one of the many, many reasons.) But hey, if it worked for Winkler...

They should really get Gob Bluth or someone to sing this before AD goes kaput. I'm sure getting the rights wouldn't be a problem. And it would make me happy.

(via BoingBoing, again)

the replacement

2005-11-23T21:58:00.000-06:00

Wow, Joel Stein's really a shithead.

map

2005-11-23T21:52:00.000-06:00

Blue is beautiful.

best site ever

2005-11-23T19:17:00.000-06:00

Sing your life...or just whatever dirty thoughts come into your head.

(via BoingBoing)

short eyes

2005-11-23T19:04:00.000-06:00

I've been trying for about half an hour now, but I just can't think of anything that would be more atrocious than this:

BILLY Crystal made $10 million on Broad way last season with his autobiographical show "700 Sundays," so why not Martin Short?

The popular comedian recently unveiled his show, "Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me," for an invited audience made up of theater owners, potential investors, celebrity pals...and other showbiz insiders.

Now that, on it's face, sounds pretty unbearable. But get a load of what the show actually consists of.

In the second half of the show, Short trots out his Jiminy Glick character, the fawning celebrity interviewer and host of his own entertainment cable show in Butte, Montana.

Glick sings a song called "Every Saturday at Sardi's" — "where we stop by and sip Bacardis" — and then pulls a celebrity out of the audience for an interview...

Another routine, which I hear is hysterical, concerns famous Broadway directors, including Tommy Tune, who is played by an actor on stilts.

Bob Fosse makes an appearance as well. A drink in his hand, a cigarette hanging from his lips, he's in the middle of choreographing a number when he has a heart attack.

The dancers think his convulsions are steps and mimic him until they wind up dead.

AH HA HA HA HA HAAAA! Genius!

israel-utes

2005-11-23T11:52:00.000-06:00

Wow. Our Puritan forebears were really, really, really, really...dumb.

The European settlers who were present at the first Thanksgiving in 1621 thought the Native Americans were wild Israelis who had lost their "civilized" ways after living in the New World wilderness, according to a U.S. historian.

[...]

"The Europeans thought the Native Americans were a lost Israeli tribe that had been blown off course and landed in America," said Mark Miller, a history professor at Roanoke College in Virginia who specializes in American history from the colonial and Civil War periods. "They thought the tribe arrived as civilized men and women, but became savages after living in the wilderness."

It must have been interesting to live in a time where you could just generate beliefs willy-nilly, without resorting to facts or scientific thought.

(Oh, wait.)

big-ass eyes of hate

2005-11-21T21:29:00.000-06:00

Say what you will about the anti-Korean and Chinese sentiments forever swirling around in Japan...but at least they distill those feelings into cool comic book form.

A young Japanese woman in the comic book "Hating the Korean Wave" exclaims, "It's not an exaggeration to say that Japan built the South Korea of today!" In another passage the book states that "there is nothing at all in Korean culture to be proud of."

In another comic book, "Introduction to China," which portrays the Chinese as a depraved people obsessed with cannibalism, a woman of Japanese origin says: "Take the China of today, its principles, thought, literature, art, science, institutions. There's nothing attractive."

The two comic books, portraying Chinese and Koreans as base peoples and advocating confrontation with them, have become runaway best sellers in Japan in the last four months.

To be fair, 50% of the Chinese people I know are depraved and obsessed with cannibalism.

That aside, it's always interesting what easily-digestable forms hate speech will take. I think in America we're most used to music (primarily punk, but there's also those pop-singer sisters) and pamphlets...novellas too, I guess, but anything longer than that and the narrow-minded tend to lose focus, get confused. Anyway, considering the saturation of comic books in Japan, this kind of thing isn't a surprise. I just wonder if, especially as manga gets more and more popular here, American hate groups aren't too far from using the drawn word.

why dick?

2005-11-21T12:04:00.000-06:00

I'm ever more curious about why they keep letting Cheney give speeches. I mean, these days the man is less popular than syphillis.

he waits

2005-11-18T22:11:00.000-06:00

People ask me a lot, "Brian, hows come you love Chuck Norris so much?" Well here are the top thirty reasons.

answer man

2005-11-18T09:06:00.000-06:00

I had to read this paragraph twice:

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley won't say if he was the source who told Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward that Bush administration critic Joseph Wilson's wife worked for the CIA. But Hadley volunteered on Friday that some administration officials say he's not the leaker.

Can you believe that? He won't say whether or not he's the one, but he will say that others say he's not the one. The obvious question, "Are these officials lying?" apparently went unasked.

Referring to news accounts about the case, Hadley said with a smile, "I've also seen press reports from White House officials saying that I am not one of his sources." He said he would not comment further because the CIA leak case remains under investigation.

Leaving the room, Hadley was asked if his answer amounted to a yes or a no. "It is what it is," he said.

What it is: the words of a tremendous ass.

guess who

2005-11-17T16:11:00.000-06:00

Very interesting article in the International Herald Tribune about the question of North Korean succession - who can we look forward to after Kim Jong Il?

Kim Jong Il, the "Dear Leader" of North Korea, is pushing an age - 63 - when he is widely expected to designate a successor who will carry the mantle of power he inherited from his own father in the Communist world's first and only dynasty.

But he has problems.

His eldest son, Kim Jong Nam, 34, has not been home for years, wandering in self-imposed exile overseas and reportedly on the run from hit men hired by supporters of his stepbrothers.

His second son, Kim Jong Chol, is only 24 and was reportedly dismissed once by his father as too "girlish" to be a leader.

His youngest son, Kim Jong Un, 22, remains a mystery; in fact no one in the outside world is known to have ever seen his photograph.

I wish me and my siblings had stories like that: one of us evading assassing, one of us a big femme (go ahead, make your jokes about how that sounds most like me), and one of us no one has ever even seen before. Say what you will about the cruel totalitarian, but he's got a mighty interesting family.

not worth it, doctor

2005-11-17T13:50:00.000-06:00

Just three years? I'll pass.

People who exercise can add three years to their life, and their hearts reap benefits from something as simple as brisk walking a half-hour a day, two studies suggest.

I mean, can't you add three years to your life just eating broccoli once a month, or flossing daily? Please.

comic gold

2005-11-17T08:53:00.000-06:00

It will take a lot of hard work to make this movie not be hilarious.

Will Ferrell and "Napoleon Dynamite" star Jon Heder might be lacing up for "Blades of Glory," a comedy set in the competitive world of ice skating

The DreamWorks film revolves around a pair of world-class men's figure skaters who are banned from the sport after their disgraceful brawl during the Winter Games in Salt Lake City. After three years of toiling in obscurity, they attempt to put aside their feud and exploit a loophole in the terms of their suspension, partnering to compete in the only category open to them -- pairs figure skating.

Serious talks are under way to have Ferrell and Heder star as the disgraced pair, with Will Arnett ("Arrested Development") and Amy Poehler ("Saturday Night Live") playing their rivals. Sources cautioned, however, that salary and scheduling concerns could sideline the prospective deal.

Let's hope it goes through. Of course, by the time it gets made some seriously bad juju could have rubbed off on Napo-Dyna:

Heder, who most recently appeared in DreamWorks' "Just Like Heaven," next will appear alongside Rob Schneider and David Spade in "The Benchwarmers," a sports comedy set for release in April.

Bad move, Heder.

o'reilly: funnyman

2005-11-16T13:41:00.000-06:00

I know, I know, I keep just lamely recycling Media Matters posts on O'Reilly...but I just can't get over the stuff he says. Like the following, which proves he's just plain hilaaaarious:

O'REILLY: Well, I want -- I want you guys, Armstrong and Getty, to put out the call to raise a San Francisco militia.

ARMSTRONG: [Laughing]

O'REILLY: So that we -- the rest of the country -- don't have to come in if you're attacked. Your own militia. You can't have guns, but I'm sure -- you know, you could have --

GETTY: We can't have "don't ask, don't tell" either.

O'REILLY: No, no, but that's good. You can have a militia that's a rainbow coalition, armed with spatulas.

[...]

O'REILLY: And let us know about the militia. I know you'll have a lot of volunteers.

ARMSTRONG: Yes, of course.

O'REILLY: The San Francisco militia. We'll send a Factor camera out to shoot basic training.

ARMSTRONG: I expect them to have very festive uniforms.

O'REILLY: Yeah. They will. And the basic training will be in the Haight. OK, we'll have it right on the Castro Street, march up and down, since they're so good at parades. And actually we will -- they'll have to have uniforms unlike most of your other parades, which are, you know, in the buff. Here -- I don't know about a naked militia. Maybe that would frighten Al Qaeda --

E.D. HILL (co-host): [Laughing]

O'REILLY: I don't know about it.

ARMSTRONG: Less khaki, more leather in our uniforms.

Spatulas? What the hell is that about?

2008 nightmare lineup

2005-11-16T12:00:00.000-06:00

The mascots for Beijing's forthcoming Olympics are just as terrifying* as the ones for Italy's. Why are these athletic types constantly trying to frighten me?

* - The panda's cute. I'll give them that.

vaccine nation

2005-11-16T11:50:00.000-06:00

Why not just vaccinate every human on the planet?

China's Agriculture Ministry said Tuesday that it would inject all of the nation's 5.2 billion chickens, geese and ducks with a vaccine against bird flu.

The campaign, disclosed by the official New China News Agency, would be the largest single vaccination effort ever for any species, according to the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization in Rome. It promises to be logistically complicated, not least because it entails chasing and catching billions of free-range birds. The Agriculture Ministry did not provide a timetable.

I know, there's not actually a vaccine for human bird flu yet. But still, if you're going to protect 6 billion of something, why the birds? Couldn't non-vaccinated geese fly in and get people sick?

In any case, good luck, future Chinese overlords!

plan b-oycott

2005-11-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I think I might have to start avoiding Target for a while. All of this with pharmacists not filling Plan B prescriptions is just absolute nonsense. I mean, what if the pharmacist were a Christian Scientist? Would it be cool for them not to fill any prescription for any medicine?

JUDGE NOT AND JUST GIVE US OUR DAMN PILLS! Nobody links the medicine doctors tell you to give out with your personal morals. Maybe I'm more passionate about the issue because this particular medicine really helped out...uh, a friend of mine. But it's just so ludicrous that there seems to be an active campaign out there to prevent preventing unwanted pregnancies.

joh-no

2005-11-11T12:40:00.000-06:00

Uuuuugggggghhhhhh. I'd heard Bob Scheer was out at the L.A. Times. That was bad enough. But who's he being replaced by? The always doughy Jonah Goldberg. Click the link for a selection of just some of his pearls of wisdom. This one will always be my favorite:

As for why my sorry a** isn’t in the kill zone, lots of people think this is a searingly pertinent question. No answer I could give — I’m 35 years old, my family couldn’t afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter, my a** is, er, sorry, are a few — ever seem to suffice.

Glad, glad I left Los Angeles.

sigh

2005-11-11T08:29:00.000-06:00

It was fun while it lasted.

The Bluth clan of Fox's ratings-challenged "Arrested Development" is also headed for the exit after Fox cut the third-season order on the Emmy-winning comedy to 13 episodes...

[Its demise] comes just as the acclaimed comedy came back this week after a hiatus to make room for Fox's baseball coverage. The two back-to-back episodes averaged a paltry 4 million viewers Monday, sending Fox to fifth place in the 8 p.m. hour and putting a dent on the ratings of its lead-out, the rookie drama "Prison Break."

There is a possibility that the show will be shopped around, but its high cost is expected to be prohibitive for a cable network.

Well, I think we can all agree that "Stacked" is much more deserving of a space on the schedule.

it's all about the o'

2005-11-10T12:36:00.000-06:00

Man, Media Matters keeps paying off with O'Reilly excerpts. Every time I've got the one I absolutely must post, they've got another one that's just as good. So I'm going to do three here that I think once and for all prove the man's infinite madness.

One - on linguistics.

You know, it's amazing, we're on in France but on the satellite, so we're not, you know - masses of people don't speak English in France. One of the few countries in Europe that really doesn't speak English on a large level is France, because they don't like us. They don't like the British.

That's right, if you go to non-Franco Europe, leave the phrasebook at home - they've got you covered, Yankee. But inside France, don't even think of saying, "Hello." Unlike Germany, Poland, Estonia, Belarus, Belgium, Romania, the Netherlands, Russia, Switzerland, Estonia, Sweden, Finland, Slovenia, Serbia, Czech Republic, the Ukraine, Greece, Italy, Cyprus, and one or two others I imagine, there's no chance anyone will understand you.

Two - Who the war's on.

[J]ust remember this: If Jacques Chirac had stepped up and looked Saddam in the eye and said, "You either let those U.N. inspectors do their job unfettered, or I'm going with the U.S.A. and Britain," Saddam would have blinked. There wouldn't have been an Iraq war. This Iraq War is on Chirac. It's right on his head. That's where it is.

Sure America's got a full nuclear arsenal. And the biggest army in the world. And we've invaded Iraq before. But compared with what France has on it's side, it's nothing. Why, Chirac!?!? Why didn't you use your country's awesome bargaining power to stop this insanity before it began!

Annnd three - the Gay Bay is waylaid.

You know, if I'm the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium, and I say, "Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead."

And if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.

Charming. A true, Christian, patriot. Well, so much for state's rights, I guess. You do what President O'Reilly says, or you get yourself blowed up.

Al Franken really put it best: "THE MAN IS A MONSTER!!!" But our lives would be so much emptier without him.

stefanefarious

2005-11-09T21:44:00.000-06:00

Normally in the mornings I just watch the Channel 5 news while I'm getting ready for work, eating breakfast. But today they had Rick Dees on promoting this "Cheerioke" thing he's doing at the Mall of America, so I had to flip around. VH1 was showing the video for Gwen Stefani's new(?) single "Luxurious".

I immediately thought it was the lamest thing I'd seen in a while. Come on, she's a chola now? And do we really need another song that samples "Between the Sheets"? And those Harajuku girls, they're what, her slaves? She sure is hot, though.

Of course, while I was having all these thoughts the song and video were affecting me subconsciously, and by the end I fucking loved it. The same damn thing happened with "Hollaback Girl", though much more slowly - it took a good couple'a weeks for that one to really sink in.

My point with all this is to say Gwen Stefani is an evil songwriting genius, and she must be stopped! She sure is hot, though.

While we're on the subject of music, my favorite songs right now are "Crown of Storms" by Lightning Bolt and "Soft and Wet" by Prince. And I've been beaming with happiness since Joy pointed out that the Rentals have risen.

good choices

2005-11-08T22:02:00.000-06:00

I'm very proud of the Twin Cities tonight.

In a race dominated by partisan payback, St. Paul voters swept former City Council Member Chris Coleman into the mayor's office Tuesday, as Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak cruised to a convincing victory.

We've got a nice little niche carved out in the country right now. We put up a good replacement to Dayton and boot Pawlenty in '06, then switch Coleman (the Norm) with Franken in '08, and we'll have the best state hands down.

ranking

2005-11-08T18:38:00.000-06:00

This week's City Pages has an hilarious photo from North Mpls.

stop the ramisanity

2005-11-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

If there was anything we could take comfort in these days, it was that Ghostbusters 3 was trapped forever in development hell. Sadly, we're no longer safe: it creeps closer. And it sounds terrible.

(via Digg)

he'll kill me last

2005-11-07T20:12:00.000-06:00

Looking at this picture of the Schwarz, I really almost feel sorry for the guy. He seriously looks like he's about to be shot.

then it got weird

2005-11-07T20:11:00.000-06:00

Let's face it: the new millenium...it hasn't been all that great. And a lot of that non-greatness has spawned from the people currently running our country. It's been offensive, it's been embarassing...but now it's officially become unbelievably surreal.

"Anything we do to that end in this effort, any activity we conduct, is within the law," Bush said. "We do not torture. And therefore we're working with Congress to make sure that as we go forward, we make it possible, more possible to do our job."

Vice President Dick Cheney has been spearheading an effort on Capitol Hill to have the CIA exempt from an amendment by Arizona Republican Sen. John McCain (news, bio, voting record) that would ban torture and inhumane treatment of prisoners.

At the same speech, Bush also said, "New York is not America's biggest city," and, "Our flag does not have red and white stripes."

JESUS. FUCKING. CHRIST!

You know, just because Bush never reads the papers doesn't mean he should assume nobody else does either. Cheney's torture protection efforts aren't exactly a big secret.

compare and contrast

2005-11-04T22:28:00.000-06:00

You remember that scene in The Ring, the American one, where the tv turns on, and it's just that shot of the well, then the girl's hand pops out of the well, and she slowly crawls up and out of the well, then sort of lumbers forward, and then actually comes out of the tv, and when she's in the guy's living room she warps towards him a little?

This is scarier.

(via Defamer)

perspective

2005-11-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

The headline at right was on CNN's front page just now, and it struck me as a bit odd. Or maybe "discomforting" is a better word for it. I think it's because "Bush backs human rights" comes off like a stated fact. And that's ridiculous, seeing as how the administration is right now working a) to keep torture ok and b) to preserve their "right" to indefinitely detain American citizens.

The second part of the headline by itself I have no problem with - it's just a statement of events. However, the whole thing together reads, to me, as such: "Bush backs human rights! But these no good protestors are calling him, get this, 'fascist'".

Is it just me? Is there some journalistic tenet I'm not grasping? Is it really ok to write headlines that way?

a peep into my future

2005-11-03T21:18:00.000-06:00

Look at this picture.

around and around

2005-11-03T13:56:00.000-06:00

And it goes on like this! I think this judge had more going against him than the first one. This one was actually acquainted with the governor, who is a close ally of DeLay. The first judge was just a contributor to a special-interest group - as far as I know he had no personal stake in the outcome of the case.

Still, this latest recusal shows that a somewhat ridiculous perpetual motion machine* has been put into place. Where the hell are they going to find a judge who meets the criteria of both parties? I think as long as they find someone with nothing to directly lose or gain with either outcome, they should just go with him or her.

*Is this an accurate metaphor? I know zilch about physics.

wal-yarrgh

2005-11-03T13:49:00.000-06:00

Wal-Mart reps caught pirating movie. Well, if a bootleg copy of "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price" ends up on Canal Street (sold by ununionized street vendors, of course), we'll know who's responsible.

welcome to my nightmare

2005-11-03T13:32:00.000-06:00

Italians promise NBC tasteful Olympics opening. Tasteful - and terrifying! Have you seen the mascots? They're only slightly less disturbing than Salo.